There had been a strange feeling in the air.
A grief milestone was slowly rolling in like a storm cloud, until it arrived in a sort of silent anti-climax.
It was my birthday on the weekend and I’ve officially outlived my friend who died suddenly, and tragically, almost 4 years ago.
Annie was older than me, like a big sister, and now I’ve had the birthday that she never reached. It’s made me think of her and miss her a lot.
Other people have talked about this feeling – the sense of unease that creeps in when a grief milestone approaches. You feel it first, then realise why. Another one of the experiences we share in the universal language of grief.
Her death still kind of startles me and I hate that every day puts her further in the past, and now that I’ve outlived her it’s like we’re in a different time zone that she never knew.
Becoming the age she didn’t reach also makes me marvel at what she achieved in her lifetime and how fabulous she always looked.
Annie was such a bright spark. She had the unique ability to take everything very seriously and also not take anything seriously at all.
Her social media was a breath of fresh air – lots of ridiculous memes and funny commentary on politics, religion and other such hypocrisies.
She was our quirky little firecracker with the brilliant laugh and dazzling smile who could rock a red lipstick just as well as Taylor Swift.
It seems incongruous that she died by suicide, which is such an urgent and distressing ending, both for her and loved ones left behind.
In life, she was so unfailingly, unselfishly present for everybody around her that it was like she just ran out of steam.
The worst part is that she didn’t hide her troubles behind her smile. She was so real, so authentically open and honest, her emotions written all over her face, which makes it harder to reconcile not seeing what was coming.
Since she’s been gone, I’ve seen a lot of suicide victims in my job as an ICU nurse – the ones who make it as far as hospital.
Strangely, I love having them as patients. I suppose it makes me feel as though I’m doing something useful to help them in a way that I wasn’t able to help Annie.
All patients are important, of course, but there are some whose fragility leaves a mark on your heart and makes you wish you could wave a magic wand and make everything better.
Today I’ll be doing Lifeline’s Out of the Shadows Walk, the fundraiser to remember the more than 3000 Australians lost to suicide each year.
It’s a 9km walk as part of World Suicide Prevention Day on September 10 and I’m doing it with my friend Katy who lost her sister Kerry to suicide. It’s become an annual tradition.
We’ll take her gorgeous puppy with us, which is fitting given how much Annie adored dogs. Harry will be dressed up in his Lifeline shirt too, doing his bit to brighten up people’s day, which he seems to know is his purpose.
As a cat person, it drives me mad, the endless stopping and chatting when you go on walks with dog people, but it does remind me of Annie and how often she performed small acts of kindness.
God I miss her.
If you’ve read this far, thanks so much for being here. I just wanted to remember and talk about my fabulous friend Annie.
It felt like she was with me this birthday, not least because my husband – who considered Annie one of his best mates – made it the most special one ever.
Here are some important links:
– Lifeline’s Out of the Shadows Walk is for World Suicide Prevention Day on September 10. You can make a donation here. https://www.outoftheshadowswalk.org.au/fundraisers/sallyneilson/out-of-the-shadows-2025
– Lifeline is available 24 hours a day for anyone in emotional distress or if you’re concerned about someone else. You can call, text or chat online. https://www.lifeline.org.au/
– We’ve just had Women’s Health Week and this is a new resource to find out what health checks you need for your age. https://checks.jeanhailes.org.au
– This is a series of research papers the University of Melbourne published last year on suicide prevention. https://pursuit.unimelb.edu.au/articles/we-need-a-new-approach-to-suicide-preventionhttps://www.thelancet.com/series-do/suicide-prevention
