It’s been almost 20 years since I left my violent ex-partner.

In the years since, another four women have reached out to me with the same terrifying story of escalating abuse by the same man.

Like most abusers, he has never been jailed, never been kicked off a dating site, and never been put on a domestic violence register.

He gets a slap on the wrist in court, then it’s back to his office job and the dating scene where no one knows his history.

As one relationship ends, a new one begins, and every few years I know that another poor woman is about to have her life blown up and turned into a living nightmare.

What I want people to know about this story is that it’s not unusual. Many domestic abusers are serial offenders because the consequences for this crime are so inadequate.

Perpetrators tell the same poor-me stories and regurgitate the same lies – and for the most part they are believed and supported by family and friends, while their traumatised victims are miscast as the problem.

People say they’re against domestic violence, that they’d never let it happen to someone they know, that of course they’d call out a mate.

But the truth is, most people don’t. Most people believe that they’d never condone abuse, but in the case of their friend or their family member, she really is the problem. Rinse and repeat.

So I want people to know what abuse can sound like – what perpetrators say and what they successfully get their friends and family and police and courts to believe.

These are some of the lies that my abuser either said about me or his other victims:

“She’s crazy.”
“She’s mentally ill.”
“She got pregnant on purpose.”
“She used me to have kids.”
“She’s trying to stop me from seeing (the child) so she can get more child support.”
“She’s greedy.”
“She’s the abusive one.”
“She’s an unfit mother.”
“Even so-and-so thinks  …”
“She’s a control freak.”
“She’s a liar.”
“She made up false allegations.”

Many victim-survivors recognise these words as red flags because abusers attack our credibility. They create doubt to make it look like we’re the unstable, dishonest or abusive one.

The assassination of my character was one of the most galling parts of enduring years of physical, verbal and psychological abuse.

How could anyone believe the lies and, in doing so, encourage his behaviour? 

This was a man who bashed me in a car hurtling down a highway, threw me into windows and doors, spat on me in the shower, poured water on me in bed, and said he was going to kill me while I was trapped in a bedroom holding a baby. The list goes on.

Yet we still live in a society that has no qualms about calling women liars and sympathising with perpetrators who lie through their teeth to everyone they know.

That is the reality for countless women and it doesn’t stop once you leave the relationship. It continues for as long as you are forced to co-parent with an abuser. For me, that was another 10 years after separation.

Having to co-parent is how I came to know his next victims. Eventually I’d get a message from a distressed woman looking for answers, and I’d help her navigate her own path to safety.

We’re all members of a club no one wants to be in.

Leaving an abuser doesn’t stop the abuse because it’s not a relationship problem. And separation doesn’t cause the abuse – abuse causes the separation.

It infuriates me that survivors are still out here having to defend ourselves and protest that we need to “believe women”.

How about we stop believing abusers.

How about we adopt the radical concept that it’s abusers who lie, not victims. That it’s perpetrators who lie, not victims. That it’s criminals who lie, not victims.

That it’s abusers who can appear calm and lovely to the outside world while victims fall to pieces. That a woman having a normal reaction to sustained abuse, and wanting to protect her children, is not the real abuser.

I’ve been a broken record on this issue for 20 years and it’s like trying to scream underwater.

You only need to look at the comments section on any story about domestic violence to see that misogyny is deeply baked into our culture.

We are still recycling the same misinformation about DV, which shows up every day in court cases, media reports, comment sections, and conversations among families and friends.

We are still hurting victims rather than acknowledging that domestic abuse is widespread and that it’s unlikely he’s the victim of “false allegations” or “parental alienation”.

We are still allowing abusers to escape accountability and walk away with nothing more than an AVO that can be kept secret.

We are still putting women’s lives on the line because serial offenders are out there pretending to be good guys without consequence.

The only thing that gives me hope is that women of every generation are still stepping up and speaking out, at great personal risk to their own health and safety because the backlash is brutal.

For me and other victim-survivors, it’s draining, but that’s why I know it’s so important.

When you’re in the thick of living hell, you need others to throw you a lifeline, as I did for the victims after me.

That’s why I’m speaking up again now and joining other victim-survivors calling for a national domestic violence register.

Nothing will truly shift until there is accountability and consequences for these crimes.

The National Domestic Family and Sexual Violence Service: Home | 1800RESPECT

The Federal Government is currently taking public submissions for the Second Action Plan (National Plan to End Violence against Women and Children 2022-2032).

To have your voice heard, visit Consultation on the Second Action Plan (National Plan to End Violence against Women and Children 2022–2032) – engage.dss.gov.au

Submissions close at 5pm on July 31.